eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
