I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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