That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
