Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
