Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Barsexuality is the new black.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
