We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
