I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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