I hate all girls vehemently.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
