Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
