I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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