PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
