My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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