I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
