i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
