Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
