Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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