just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
