Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
