Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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