Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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