I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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