is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
