i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
