well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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