I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
