I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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