So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
