Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
