After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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