Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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