My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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