home. puking in laundry basket.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
