Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
