I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
