I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
