im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
