So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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