Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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