I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
