So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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