Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
