my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
