no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
