i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
