Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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