So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i think i just lost a toe
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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