There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So much rum. So many feels.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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