you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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