my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
