I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
