OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
