Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
